6 years ago today

02/06/2021

6 years ago today, I was suicidal. Whilst some aspects of the day in question are a blur due to my weak memory, other parts of the night will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Following an argument, my mental health deteriorated in the spate of an hour.
I was out with a friend and was doing the 10 minute walk home from the bus station to my house. 
Due to my families culture and the fact that I’m female, it is not deemed unsafe for a woman to walk alone. 
Looking back, I can see many instances of difference of treatment between me and my brothers solely due to fact that they’re male and I’m female. 

On this night in question, Friday 2nd June 2015, I was walking home late at night and my mother disapproved both of me being out late and me walking home rather than taking the bus. 
I decided to walk home due to it only being a ten minute walk, the buses being every 15 minutes and that I felt like walking. 

Sadly, my mum disapproved and ended up picking me up half way. Whilst I didn’t want to get in the car, I felt like I had no choice and reluctantly got inside. The one minute drive home was a continual argument, which continued in the house, both face to face and over text message.

Whilst this was an argument I had many times times before with her, this time was different. I went into a spiral of negative thoughts, thinking about how these arguments will continue for the rest of my life. 
Whilst in bed, I began to have suicidal thoughts. I saw no way out from the problems in my life and felt like life wasn’t worth living. 

Had my life continued the way it was when I was 17, I don’t think I would still be alive today. Things were simply too difficult for me to cope with. 

Many say your teen lives are the best time of your life. Sadly, for me, it was the complete opposite; it was the worst time of my life. 
After I turned 18, in July 2015, things began to improve and continue to go up. 

My two occasions of being suicidal have changed me as a person.
I would be lying if I said I don’t fear a relapse, where I experience suicidal thoughts again but, thankfully, I haven’t had active suicidal thoughts in around 5 years. 

Whilst I wouldn’t say I’m grateful for my mental health issues, they have made me open my eyes to many things in society, both about life generally and things in my own life.
It is my lived experience of mental illness that made me want to work in the mental health field and opened my eyes to the issues in society around stigma and the issues within mental health services.

Things regarding my mental health aren’t where I wish they could be but they are far further than I ever would’ve thought they’d be 6 years ago. I am now 23 years old. I am in a position to finally move out of my toxic family home and I am finally seeing a future where I’m not walking on egg shells. 

I am currently writing a book about my own experiences of mental illness, as well as the problems I’ve faced in life, with the hope of publishing the book later this year. 

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